Why do I have to be a compulsive planner?

This is one of those things that drive me crazy about myself but I can't seem to change it.  I admit it, I am a compulsive planner.  Not to the point of planning everything down to the millisecond, but I am pretty bad.  This can be a major problem if you are trying to live a "normal" life.  It's one of the many things I am trying to fix, but I feel like I am fighting a losing battle.
For example, (and this is all fiction...)
Lets say, Aaron and I have  a day off together, the conversation goes like this:



Night before:
Me- What do you want to do tomorrow?



Aaron- I don't know



Me- Ok.  Well, we need to go to the store, and lets go to the library maybe get some lunch?? 



Aaron- That sounds fine.  I made plans with a friend in the evening when he gets off of work.



Me- Ok.  No problem, what time do you want to get going? Do you want to go to the store first or after lunch?  what about the library?



Aaron- I don't care.  You decide.




Me- Ok, well, lets get up early, leave around 10 go to the library, then the store, have lunch and then we can relax for a while until you go hang out with your friend in the evening. 



Soooo...  morning rolls around..




The alarms go off, and we don't manage to get out of the house until 11:30.  My entire day is screwed.  Now, we are already and hour and a half being.  We should be heading to lunch now, not just leaving!  The problem is, once the order is set, it has to be completed in that order.  There is no changing plans.  Then it takes me forever to get over being upset that our day is already 'ruined' because we slept in.  The way it always works, and the sad part is I know this, by the time we finish everything, it's late.  We get home, and it's time for him to leave.  Then I get upset because we didn't get time to spend at home without trying to get errands done.  With as little as we see each other, it always gets me.



It's not just plans with Aaron on his day off either.  If I know someone is coming over, if anyone else shows up, it stresses me out.  I have to mentally prepare for people to come over.  I don't go with the flow so well with things like that.   For example:  Jane calls and makes plans for us to hang out on Tuesday.  So, Tuesday rolls around, and I think everything is gravy, well on Jane's way over, she says that Jill is also coming over. 
This starts the panic.  I had plans for Jane and I, but now Jill too??  Crap.  I have to hurry up and change how everything is going to go in my head.  It already starts off wrong because of the extra person.  I don't have any issues with Jill coming over when Jane does, I just hate not knowing in advance.  It's socially crippling sometimes.  It makes me hesitant to agree to hang out with people or go out because I can't handle unexpected things happening. 



It doesn't even have to be people related.   It can be as simple as thinking I only have to go to the electric company but realizing I also have to go to the bank and put gas in the car.  It's pathetic.  It's a condition I try to fight every day.  I try not to make plans in my head on how my day is going to go, so if things don't go that way (for better or worse) it doesn't bug me.  This is also why I hate surprise party's. 



I'm going to wrap this up before anyone starts to bleed out of their ears from trying to follow my logic.  If you made it all the way through this thanks for reading!

Pumpkin patch and Halloween

It's been a busy week.  I'm not sure how the time passed so quickly or exactly everything I did.  Hmm.. I know their were things to do and places to go, but I just can't remember it all.  Mommy brain is in full effect.

I was washing dishes the other day and I realized that this Halloween will make 10 years since my grandmother died.  Wow.  I can't believe it.  I know its been that long, but it seems like it was just yesterday.  I miss her so much. It breaks my heart that she never got to meet Aaron, who has to be the most wonderful man, and my sweet Maxine.  I know she would have loved them both as much as I do.  Of course, when I start thinking about her, I start crying, which I hate to do (cry that is).  Ugh.  I just couldn't seem to stop.  I just miss all the things she used to do for us, the songs she would sing, going to the beach with her, and just being able to talk to her and hug her. 

We would spend weeks with her on the beach every year and no matter what beach we went to, or what time of year it was, she could find sand dollars.  Not just one. Not two.  Not 10 or 20, but 100s.  Every time without fail.  I always asked her how she managed to do this because I could never find any or if I did it was one here and there, and her response was she could smell them.  Now, on the rare occasions that I manage to get to the beach when life doesn't get in the way, I always look for a sand dollar.  When I find one, I know she is there with me. 

So, while thinking of all these things about her, I decided I wanted to make Halloween a happy holiday again instead of being so miserable.  I'm not sure how it's going so far, but I'm working on it.  We ordered Maxine a costume, Princess Leia, and went to a pumpkin patch today.  Maxine got so excited at the pumpkin patch!  She was looking at everything and just cooing and talking away.  We picked out our pumpkin and brought it home so we can carve it.  I also want to toast the seeds, something I haven't had in years.  I can't wait to dress her up and go show her off to everyone! I will be posting pictures of her in her costume!

I'm so blessed to have a happy, friendly baby.  She really like people.  Everywhere we go people just come up to her and start talking and cooing to her, and she gives a big smile, and sometimes talks back!  I'm hoping she stays this way and doesn't get too shy as she gets older.  Maxine is the best conversation starter.  Much better than her mommy. 

Have a great day everyone!! <3

An annoying day...

It is a good day, but at the same time, annoying.  I've managed to get a lot of things done today because Aaron has done most of the baby duty today.  The part that irritates me is the "I will take her so you can do whatever you want."  But, what I do is cleaning.  It's not by any means what I WANT to do.. it's what I have to do.  Then when that's all done and I actually have time to do something for myself, its video game time.  So I really don't get any time to do something for myself until Maxine goes to bed.  At that point, I'm exhausted and just want to sleep.


I just want to read a chapter in a book..just one...uninterrupted.  Maybe I can paint my toenails, and actually be able to sit still long enough for them to dry.  Or straighten my hair.  Something.  Anything.  Oh well.

On a better, happy note, Maxine is so insanely close to laughing I just can't stand it!  I got her to do the squeal/chuckle about 4 times in a row.  If she could just string it together she would be there!  I can't wait to hear her belly laugh!  She is also grabbing her knee and holding it to her chest  which is really cute!  And also playing with her toes constantly.  I swear she just gets cuter and cuter every day.

Also, we got her to take a nap in her crib yesterday.  She slept for 2 hours in there...  holy moley!!  It's a miracle!!  LOL.  I can't wait to get her sleeping in there at night.  Hopefully this weekend.  She's such a good baby, I don't think it's going to be an issue once she gets over the initial shock of no longer being in her swing.  Wish us luck!!

Just some thoughts...

I'm going to try and get this to make as much sense as possible, but I can't promise anything.

Side note:  This is nothing personal against anyone at all.. this is just how I am feeling at this time.  Also, the rational an irrational part of my brain argue these points all the time. 

For the past couple of weeks I have been angry.  Over everything.  It's so annoying.  I'm not sure how to deal with this because I am not an angry person normally.  Also, I go from completely happy no problem to insane rage in about a millisecond flat.  There is no in between.  The only person immune is Maxine.  She always makes me happy.  It's a wonderful thing!

People come over, I'm mad.  People don't come over, I'm mad (yes I know I can't be pleased!).  If you say hello, I'm mad.  If you don't say hello, I'm mad..lol... and the list goes on and on and on...It's hard to deal with because I don't even know what will set me off day to day.  Something that fills me with rage today, I won't even think about tomorrow or next week.  Also, when something is making me angry, there is no nice way to tell anyone about it.  How do you say to someone, when you do xxx it pisses me off, but I still want you to do it because I know it needs to happen??  All that does is cause issues that don't need to be there.  What's the point??  So, I walk around with this ball or anger and no way to deal with it.  I can't say anything to anyone, and I don't have a very good physical outlet for it at the moment. 

I know there have been people who have offered to watch Maxine so I can go for a run or have some time to myself, but honestly, I'm just not ready for it.  I know it needs to happen, and she won't even realize I'm gone yet, but I just can't do it yet.  I don't work, so in my mind, I shouldn't need anyone to watch her.  She is my job.  I shouldn't be giving her to anyone else to take care of her.  (I know, I NEED me time because happy mommy is a happy baby)  The one time we did let someone watch her, I TRIED to have a good time, but I was stressed the entire time.  She was fine.  No issues.  She even went to sleep without me.  I couldn't just sit back and enjoy my time with Aaron because all I was thinking about was Maxine.   This is something that's supposed to get easier as I go, but I just don't feel like it is.  Aaron has had her a time or two while I went to go do something, and it wasn't any better for me.  Obviously, I trust Aaron with her (and his parents who watched her the first time) and I know he wouldn't do anything to hurt her, but, I just worry.  I can handle a few minutes to go pick up milk and small things like that but the hour trip or longer is still too much to handle.  Blarg.

Well, this is turning into a book which was not my intention!  Everyone have a great day and thanks for reading!

The duck pond....

Today was an exciting day.  Maxine got up WAY to early (4:30) at first, but at least she went back to bed untill 9.  It made me very tierd for the day.  We had a good day though.  We got to have lunch with Mark and Lynne and they got to love on a baby. 
Aaron was off today so Maxine got to spend the day flirting and playing with her daddy.  It's really too cute!  She has special smiles that she saves just for him, and when he talks to her she smiles huge at him and hides her face for a momment just to keep him talking to her.  Everytime it almost makes me cry.  Aaron is just so amazing with her and loves her so much.  You can see it in the way he looks at her, talks to her, and holds her.  I'm so blessed to have a man who not only loves his daughter, but will do anything for her (including changing diapers!).  It makes me love him that much more. 

We went to the duck pond today and she loved it!  Maxine loves to look at animals!  She's going to be an animal lover just like her mommy and daddy.  As soon as we pulled into the parking lot, all the ducks came running!  They knew we had some bread for them!  She was just fascinated!  There were also some turtles in the pond that got a share too, one was HUGE!  She was looking at them and just soaking it all in.  I can't wait for her to be big enough to feed them too! (But take your time kiddo!!).  I will post some pictures once I get them loaded on the computer. 

Maxine has been putting herself to sleep now for the last few nights before her bedtime.  I'm still trying to decide if this is a good thing.  It's great that she's able to do that, but, the earlier she sleeps, the earlier she gets up and Mommy can never seem to get to sleep before midnight, and that's on a good night!  I'm making some leg warmers for Maxine and will hopefully have a pair done tomorrow.  Here's to hoping they turn out well!  I will have to stitch them by hand because I don't have a sewing machine.  Everyone keep your fingers crossed!
Love to all!

Bruce and his new home....

Today is a sad and happy day.  We finally took Bruce to his new home to be an outdoor kitty.  For those of you who don't know, Aaron brought Bruce home from the parking lot behind his job a few years agoand he became very attached to me and I to him.  I loved snuggling with him!   He would put his head under my chin and lay down my chest or next to me and just purr.  He's such a sweet kitty and I'm going to miss him very much.  Aaron and I tried everything we could think of to be able to keep him but we were fighting a losing battle.

My friend Melissa said she would take Bruce for us.  She has plenty of property for him to roam, another kitty to play with, a dog to pester and horses to watch.  We took him over this morning.  The trip there was not so much fun.  Maxine would cry when we the car wasn't moving and Bruce would cry when we were.  It was a symphony of sad sounds.  When we got there, we tempted Bruce with wet food, which he ignored, and set him free.  He ran around exploring and eating as much grass as his little tummy could hold.  He got to play and roll in the dirt, climb a tree, and stalk bugs all within the first few hours.  I was very happy that he was so happy.  Hopefully he and Luna will become fast friends!  I'm going to miss him, but he is so happy outside.

Maxine enjoyed her trip!  She got to see horses for the frist time and was very excited about it.  I held her while Melissa, Aaron and I fed them peppermints.  Definatly something she doesn't see everyday.  I'm hoping she loves horses just as much as I do and she's off to a great start.   

Adjustments to being a mommy...

Life as a new mommy is not something you can ever imagine.  When I first found out I was pregnant, I was not happy.  Not at all.  Well, mabey a little tiny bit, but mostly not.  I wasn't ready. Not even close.  Sure, I wanted children some day in the distant future, but not yet, not then.  I was in major denile.  Poor Aaron.  He is the one who convinced me to take a test because I was refusing to do so knowing that it would show the proof of what I already knew.  That morning was spent with me in tears and him telling me everything would be ok. 

We kept the news to ourselves for a few weeks because we had just found out about some other things going on in the family that were more concerning at the time and decided we would wait for doctor confirmation before we spread it around.

Telling everyone was an adventure and we will go into that at a different time if you really want to hear about it.

Fast forward almost a year later and I wouldn't change anything.  Becoming a mom is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  I can't imagine being anything other than what I am right now.  My life seemed so empty before Maxine got here.  It's a feeling that only parents can understand no matter how hard you try to explain it. 

Maxine is the center of my being. She is the reason for me to be here and she is my greatest accomplishment.  She is absolutely beautiful and I wouldn't change anything about her, even when she cries for hours on end for no apparent reason. 

I am still in my adjustment period from not working to being a stay at home mom.  I am absolutely blessed to be able to stay at home and take care of her full time.  I don't have to worry about daycare or babysitters, or who is around my child and what they are teaching her.  I absolutely love being there for her and catching her smiles, sleeping giggles, chuckles, and tears. 

It is a wonderful experience and I am very glad that I can share it with everyone!

Becca and Maxine