Just some thoughts...

I'm going to try and get this to make as much sense as possible, but I can't promise anything.

Side note:  This is nothing personal against anyone at all.. this is just how I am feeling at this time.  Also, the rational an irrational part of my brain argue these points all the time. 

For the past couple of weeks I have been angry.  Over everything.  It's so annoying.  I'm not sure how to deal with this because I am not an angry person normally.  Also, I go from completely happy no problem to insane rage in about a millisecond flat.  There is no in between.  The only person immune is Maxine.  She always makes me happy.  It's a wonderful thing!

People come over, I'm mad.  People don't come over, I'm mad (yes I know I can't be pleased!).  If you say hello, I'm mad.  If you don't say hello, I'm mad..lol... and the list goes on and on and on...It's hard to deal with because I don't even know what will set me off day to day.  Something that fills me with rage today, I won't even think about tomorrow or next week.  Also, when something is making me angry, there is no nice way to tell anyone about it.  How do you say to someone, when you do xxx it pisses me off, but I still want you to do it because I know it needs to happen??  All that does is cause issues that don't need to be there.  What's the point??  So, I walk around with this ball or anger and no way to deal with it.  I can't say anything to anyone, and I don't have a very good physical outlet for it at the moment. 

I know there have been people who have offered to watch Maxine so I can go for a run or have some time to myself, but honestly, I'm just not ready for it.  I know it needs to happen, and she won't even realize I'm gone yet, but I just can't do it yet.  I don't work, so in my mind, I shouldn't need anyone to watch her.  She is my job.  I shouldn't be giving her to anyone else to take care of her.  (I know, I NEED me time because happy mommy is a happy baby)  The one time we did let someone watch her, I TRIED to have a good time, but I was stressed the entire time.  She was fine.  No issues.  She even went to sleep without me.  I couldn't just sit back and enjoy my time with Aaron because all I was thinking about was Maxine.   This is something that's supposed to get easier as I go, but I just don't feel like it is.  Aaron has had her a time or two while I went to go do something, and it wasn't any better for me.  Obviously, I trust Aaron with her (and his parents who watched her the first time) and I know he wouldn't do anything to hurt her, but, I just worry.  I can handle a few minutes to go pick up milk and small things like that but the hour trip or longer is still too much to handle.  Blarg.

Well, this is turning into a book which was not my intention!  Everyone have a great day and thanks for reading!